Into the Tundra

my adventures in northern indiana

Come sit with me…

DSCN0652I wonder, is it as hard for you to share your heart, to be vulnerable as it is for me? Vulnerable sharing does not come easy for me. I’m either too worried about what people think or I’m trying to protect myself from pain. I’ve written this post three times and then deleted it. I’ve added and taken away. I’ve thought long and hard over whether I really wanted to share it or not. But, the fact is, this is one of (if not THE) biggest things in my life and if you are going to know and understand me, then I need to share this. So…If I had the time to sit down with each one of you and share my story…share my heart. This is kind of how it would go:

I would invite you over to my house for tea and/or coffee. We would sit sipping our steaming drinks in the living room, with our feet propped up, the sunshine streaming through the windows and birds chirping. We would start the conversation with pleasantries…how are the kids? Did you do anything this summer? Hasn’t the weather been lovely? …etcetera.

Then I would say something like: so, because we are friends, I want you to know this about me. Not to make you feel sorry for me or anything like that, but because this is such a huge part of my life and God has…no, IS using it to shape me into the woman He wants me to be.

I would then state (probably with tears in my eyes) that Dennis and I are unable to have children. I would explain all the particulars, including the facts behind the five miscarriages that I have had.

But then I would go on to explain that all of those particulars are really not what’s important in this story God is writing for me. See, at one point, I really fought Him on this. I kicked and screamed and cried. Then I tried to manipulate Him into giving me what I wanted (you know, the whole “if I’m good enough He’ll give it to me” thing). Then I decided that I would just ignore him. I was childish and hurtful to the God who only cared for me. For the God who cried with me when I cried and held me and whispered over and over “just give it up.”

Finally, after years (literally) of struggling. I did give up. I fell at His feet begging for forgiveness and declared that I only wanted His will for my life, even if His will was not my will. And what did He give me in return? Not children…but a peace so great words cannot explain it!

My story is a story of pain, but also of joy. Of grace and redemption. My story is proof that God’s story for us DSCN0662is always better then the one that we think He should write for us. My story is proof that God is always there, we just need to reach out and touch Him.

Sadly, I am still very, very human and I will still struggle with hurt and anger. I will still cry on Mother’s Day and still cringe when I hear other babies being named the names I had chosen. But God supplies grace for every moment and He’s not even close to finishing the story He’s writing.

So, I wait patiently to see what He has in store and today…this moment…I choose joy. I choose happiness. I choose God’s will for my life and I lay my will down at His feet again. And I hold tight to the hope that God is not finished with me yet. And I keep doing that every moment of every day.

Like I said, I don’t share this with you to get pity or to build myself up. I share it because this part of my life is so huge. Every day I respond to things in certain ways because I am going through this, and maybe knowing this about me will help you understand why that look passes over my face when I hear a mother complain about her child. Or, better yet, maybe knowing this about me will help you realize there are women out there who struggle with infertility who haven’t been able to share their story yet…women right around you.

I’m not entirely sure how to end this post because my story isn’t over yet. God’s still got something up His sleeve when it comes to Dennis and I, so stick around. Maybe this blog will get interesting yet! 🙂

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13 comments on “Come sit with me…

  1. Amber
    September 17, 2013

    Oh Shelle, I just want to hug you. I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you, but I see a woman of grace when I think of you. I will pray for you often. Words sound so trite, but you’ve given me a lot to think about.

    • mrsmiller714
      September 17, 2013

      Thank you for your kind words, Amber. They brought tears to my eyes 🙂

  2. Grace
    September 17, 2013

    May God bless you in ways we cannot imagine. Thanks for sharing such a personal journey.

  3. Wilma
    September 17, 2013

    Shelle, you are a very dear woman and friend to me. I want to bless you for sharing your heart. God is so good and really does care about each detail in our lives. I know the pain of a miscarriage and yes, it is tough. (((((HUGS)))))

  4. Melanie Fisher
    September 17, 2013

    Hugs, Shelle. Indeed, I know the pain. And yes, I always like to say, our story isn’t over yet!

    • mrsmiller714
      September 17, 2013

      Hugs to you too, Melanie! I am still praying like crazy for you!

  5. Mariann Miller
    September 17, 2013

    Thankyou for sharing your story! I am literally sitting here crying as I read this.
    It helps so much to know how to relate to a childless couple when I know that it is not by choice. Does that make sense? Like is I know you will be hurting on Mothers Day or on the due date of your miscarriage I can tell you I am praying for you. Where as if a couple is simply not ready for children yet that could be not so well received.
    I know that God has a purpose for you in all of this & while we certainly don’t understand it right now. Someday it will make sense.
    Hugs to you!

    • mrsmiller714
      September 17, 2013

      That makes sense, Mariann. 🙂 And thank you for you kind words! It really helps tremendously to know so many people care for us and are praying for us.

  6. Martha Mast
    September 17, 2013

    Even tho I haven’t gone through what you are. Please know my heart cries for you. I Pray Gods continued grace upon you.

  7. Carol
    September 17, 2013

    Bless you shelle! This brings tears to my eyes! You have been in my prayers, and I will continue praying!! I also know what its like to wait on God in this area! God has been teaching me about giving up my own desires to the ONE who is in control and has my best in mind! A friend shared this song with me, and it has been a blessing and a challenge! Love you! ~”Im waiting,Im waiting on you Lord. And I am hopeful,Im waiting on you Lord. Though it is painful,but patiently, I will wait. Im waiting,Im waiting on you,Lord. And I am peaceful,Im waiting on you,Lord. Though its not easy, but faithfully, I will wait…I will move ahead,bold and confident,Taking every step in obedience ~ ~ while im waiting,i will serve you…while im waiting, I will worship…while im waiting,i will not faint…..ill be running the race, while on you I wait!

    • mrsmiller714
      September 17, 2013

      Thank you for sharing that song, Carol! It’s beautiful!

  8. Clara Miller
    September 17, 2013

    Thank you for sharing your heart!!! Hugs and prayers, Clara

  9. Sarah
    September 18, 2013

    I want to hug your neck. Thank you for sharing. I just know that God will make your story so beautiful.

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