my adventures in northern indiana
I really should be cleaning and getting ready for our jaunt to Ohio this weekend, but something is calling me to write. I keep thinking, “again!? people are going to think I’m a little crazy!” But, it seems like again is needed.
I’ve had SO much on my heart and mind the last couple months…weeks…days! At the beginning of the year, I started praying fervently and sincerely that God would make known anything that stands in the way of me having a closer relationship with Him. That He would search my heart and show me anything that shouldn’t be there. I honestly had no idea what I was doing! I’ve had so many of what I call “mini revivals” over the last couple months, it’s crazy. Anything from how I am treating my body, to my definition of beauty. From loving and respecting my husband, to the spirit of fear.
And that last one is the one I would like to talk about right now. And where to begin….
Well, let’s just start with this: God showed me a couple weeks ago that my main fear in life is the fear of looking stupid. That seems silly, I know, but it’s true. And I’ve let that fear rule me. I wouldn’t let myself do things that I even enjoyed for the fear that others would think I was stupid. Even this blog was very difficult for me to post on…even though I love writing…because I was afraid that those reading it would be judging me and thinking I was silly, stupid, dumb, odd, crazy……
But the spirit of fear had a hold of me in other ways too. I’ve realized (and my husband will attest to this!), that I have a small bit of hypochondria in me. And it seemed to get worse when we realized Grandpa Miller was close to going home. Suddenly, every little thing that happened to me, every little bump I felt was cancer and I couldn’t stop obsessing about it.
I didn’t really realize it because I had lived in fear for years and years, but I felt trapped and like I couldn’t really live. I worried about every little thing. Dennis would suggest going away for the weekend (he’s VERY spontaneous!) and I couldn’t even consider it because I was so worried about all these little things…like, who would take care of the dogs!!!??? :p
Well, God revealed all of this to me one day and I had a “mini revival” right there on the couch. I sobbed and prayed, begging that He would wash me in his blood and bind the spirit of fear within me.
I didn’t have a chance to really talk to Dennis about what happened before it became rather obvious to him that something had changed in me. Before the evening was over he had asked, “what have you done with my wife!?” several times! It was crazy.
You know, it makes me a little nervous writing this and posting it. And the reason it makes me nervous is because this all sounds rather over the top. Crazy. Charismatic. But the spirit of fear is talked about in the Bible.
II Timothy 1:7 says: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
And I don’t know much, if anything about the spiritual world, but I believe there is so much more going on then we even realize.
But that’s beside the point. The reason I’m sharing this is to bring glory to God. He is so good and so amazing and I have NOTHING to fear when I have Him in my corner. And I want to claim that verse, write it on my forehead and remember it always.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am still human and Satan will probably always use fear as a way to try and get to me. I still get a little nervous when I have to teach Sunday school and every once in awhile the word cancer sneaks into my brain. But now when those things happen, I know I have the power through Jesus to make it go away. I don’t have to live in fear of anything because He gave me the spirit of power, love and self-discipline!
And, now I’m not entirely sure how to close out this post. I guess I want to encourage any who may be reading this to first of all, pray and ask God to search your heart and also, always remember that you don’t have to live your life in fear…God doesn’t want that at all!